A couple I know are at that stage in life where they’re both terribly busy at work etc and are thus evidently barely able to hold a conversation with each other that’s not a) by email b) by text or c) by making the other feel so guilty they had to stop working and listen for five minutes about whatever work-related problem the first one was having.
Anyway. I met them for lunch the other day on one of those rare occasions when they’re both in the same place at the same time, and they were both looking terribly pleased with themselves. And it turns out the reason for this was that they had “gone on a date” the night before. Evidently they’d booked a table at a nice restaurant and had a really lovely time and it was just what they needed etc etc
Which is all very sweet, and I can’t think of a couple who deserved it more.
But it does mean that they’re dangerously close to that point where they go out on a “date” which involves them pretending to meet in a bar and his name is Tristan and he’s a pilot on a layover and she’s Emily and she just left the convent the week before and moved up to London to take acting lessons and oh you’ve missed the last bus and why don’t we check into this hotel in King’s Cross and leave your heels on while I land this thing.
So for their benefit, and indeed for anyone who finds themselves in a similar situation, here are some scenarios that I’ve learned from bitter experience DO NOT WORK and can only lead to madness and/or physical harm. Which might be what you’re into, in which case, fill your boots.
She/He
• My waters just broke/I am a doctor
• The Cadbury Caramel Bunny/Bertie Basset
• Diane Abbot/Michael Portillo
• How do you know so much about me/I am you from an alternate dimension in which you were born a man
• My specialist subject is diseases of the scalp/Magnus Magnusson
• Hare Krishna!/Be a winner not a sinner!
• Blind/Deaf
• Writer/Writer
Play safe, kids!
why ‘dangerously’?
maid/feather duster salesman